


watch the garden grow

by scepticallyopenminded



Series: 30 Day Lyrics Challenge - 2017 [13]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Beginnings, Depressed Stiles, Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 14:21:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13009671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scepticallyopenminded/pseuds/scepticallyopenminded
Summary: It’s when Stiles is most on edge that he finds his way back.





	watch the garden grow

**Author's Note:**

> From The Dresden Dolls' Gardener:
> 
> "The insides are all useless/But the rest is fertile so/I will take the belt off the hook/And watch the garden grow"
> 
> Tbqh I'm not too happy about this though I'm okay with it. I wanted it to be something more but I'm so fucking exhausted and feeling pretty shitty in general right now so this is what I got out. I hope it's worthy! Lemme know if there are any mistakes, I'm honestly posting it as quick as I can.

It’s when Stiles is most on edge that he finds his way back.

He’s been feeling utterly – completely, one hundred percent, and _god_ that’s annoying because it’s just himself that’s making himself feel this way and he _knows_ that but he can’t stop anyway – useless lately. Not just lately, but _more than usual_ lately. It’s hard _not_ to when all his friends are so much _better_ than him.

They’re all stronger, smarter, happier even. Lots of them are supernaturally great and he’s just – human. He’s not even Allison-levels human, because she’s _badass_ and can use weapons and she’s _useful_ and there’s no doubt she’s an asset to the pack.

He doesn’t even feel like he’s _part_ of the pack often, because he brings _nothing_ to the pack. Sure, the rest of them tell him regularly that he’s the best they have at research and finding connections the rest of them just can’t make, but what is that?

Stiles doesn’t know. Maybe it’s a lot, and he just can’t see it because all he can see is how empty and useless he feels inside. It’s the worst that he knows that it’s mainly the way _he_ feels, not necessarily the way others feel, but he can’t help what his mind tells him. Sometimes, it’s like being possessed all over again, especially the days when it’s so bad he dissociates, following routine and later looking back and realizing he doesn’t remember _anything_ about the entire day.

He’s creeping closer and closer to the edge of something, something that scares him and something that _should_ scare him, the way his mind works these days. He doesn’t remember the last time he took a regular dose of his meds, doesn’t remember the last weekend he didn’t get blackout or nearly so. And he _knows_ his friends are worried about him – they’ve _said_ so, and he can’t miss the looks Scott sends him when he wakes up Sunday mornings with the worst hangover since the previous Sunday, looks full of concern and worry.

It’s the only way he feels, though. The loneliness in his mind, the heartache in his chest. The dark around his heart beats wilder and wilder every day and he doesn’t know how to stop it, how to calm it, how to –

He’s twenty-three and feels seventy-four, an entire lifetime passed in the last few years and he knows everyone else – the entire pack, especially particular members – feel the exact same way. He sees the crow’s feet around Derek’s eyes, the worry lines in Allison’s otherwise flawless skin, the haunting in Lydia’s eyes, the sharp stance Erica’s developed.

At least, he thinks to himself, they’re _useful_. They bring something important to the table. And Stiles doesn’t know how to stop thinking these things.

He does know that when he’s twenty-three Derek starts holding him close, cuddled together in the massive bed Derek’d sprung for when he moved. Stiles doesn’t know how to stop the dark that sits in his gut from consuming his entire body, but he does know that when Derek makes him dinner he starts to feel whole again. Stiles doesn’t know how to stop his mind from saying things his heart fully agrees with that make him want nothing more than death, but he does know that when he’s leaning into Derek while they watch movies it’s the only time he feels completely calm.

“People are like rose bushes,” Derek tells him one day over breakfast. Stiles raises his eyebrows, stuffing some eggs in his mouth but fully questioning expression on his face.

“They’re all beautiful in their own way, but also thorny and harsh. They do okay on their own but thrive best when they’ve got someone taking care of them.”

And it was just the previous night that Stiles had confided some small bits of what he feels daily to Derek, so he assumes what he assumes.

“Is that why you’re with me? To take care of me?”

Because he’s not going to give up Derek, but he wouldn’t be surprised if Derek had started dating him out of pity because what else does Stiles have to offer?

“I’m with you because you’re funny, smart, and I like being around you,” Derek tells him, shaking his head and staring at him with an expression that makes Stiles feel uncomfortably pleased, “I’m taking care of you because I love you.”

And maybe the analogy does work; Stiles is independent, refuses to let someone else relieve him of his depression, suicidal thoughts, because he knows that while he feels useless too often, empty too much, only he can save himself. But he knows that he feels more like the human he was before Scott was bitten and he was introduced to the world that seems like it exists just to tear him down, tear him apart; he feels more like his sixteen-year-old self when Derek kisses him; he feels happier than he has in years when Derek texts him on nights when they’re apart, even if it’s stupid shit, because it means someone’s thinking of him without him pushing himself into their life.

Stiles hits the edge of the cliff before he’s pulled back, slowly, with softly spoken words and even softer touches.

**Author's Note:**

> find me at asocialfoxpaw
> 
> don't post my stuff to goodreads or like sites thanks!


End file.
